MEDIA GAG

England go into the major tournament of yet another sport that they invented wiht high hopes, and highly over-rated players. What possibly can they accomplish?

Graeme Swann called it the equivalent of supporting Newcastle United, and rightly so. England have been the most entertaining, injury-ridden and unpredictable team in this WC by some distance. Currently, Chris Gayle is blowing out the candles on England’s tournament – but considering the blog’s history in predictions, West Indies might be all out by 125.

So, are their performances any surprising? Considering how they performed in Australia, one could almost say that the World Cup has been an improvement.

The 50-over format is one that the English team, and more significantly, the English public has never taken to their hearts. There remains a sense of stepmother attitude towards another sport that they have invented. The team, despite having more success than people realize, has never been accepted by the public. The Ashes remain the holy grail for English cricket, and even a first round knockout here will not dampen the public’s mood for long. The T20 game might have had some resurgence – but it will never attain the status of the five-day format, and rightly so.

 

Squad:

Well, there are a few. The blog was going to write a tirade on why Hussey and Morgan had not been selected for their countries (this is not football. A half-fit world class player is better than a fully fit Ravi Bopara). But thankfully, both the boards came to some sense.

Beyond that, the exclusion (or rather the continued exclusion) of Adil Rashid seems odd. James Tredwell hasn’t been lighting the domestic scene on fire, and what little the blog saw of him in Australia, was found to be underwhelming. Besides that, it’s a pretty balanced squad – but save the original top three, and Graeme Swann, these pitches are not made for this lot.

 

Why they will win

Strauss and Trott provide a level of understated consistency that a lot of other teams could build upon. Their performances in the tournament thus far have only reinforced their reputations in this format.

Graeme Swann remains the best spinner in the world who seems to have a better opening than James Bond in a brothel.

But more than anyone else, there is Eoin Morgan. Singly, the most exciting batsman in international cricket in half a decade: with his mixture of hurling and complete disdain for the opposition, he can – and has – won more matches of cricket than an Irishmen is supposed to.

A full strength English team is much like any of the other big4. Very strong batting, on these pitches at least. Bowling is pedestrian but reliant on one man above all.

Additionally, since at least Cardiff ’09, England have had a remarkable ability to save and win matches from situations that the English (or most other teams) never could previously. The reports that Pakistanis want to sue the English for copyright infringement may be exaggerated but it is a compliment to any team it has the fighting abilities of Pakistan.

 

Why they won’t win

There is a reason they require those abilities. If you hustle to save a test match on the last day or consider restricting a team to 340 an accomplishment, then you are not that good. Outside the top 3, only Morgan and Collingwood could be called upon to save a match, while the rest of the flat track bullies (Bopara and Bell will) continue to live up to their reputations.

Their bowling is exceptional, IF they get the conditions they want. Beyond that though, the likes of Anderson and Broad in this tournament have proven that form and class are both dependent on how suitable the conditions are for their bowling.

And one theory that has already been proven false (in the World T20 last year), and will continue to be proven false – but will be regurgitated by everyone, including this blog – states that your chances of winning an international cricket tournament are inversely proportional to the number South Africans the squad contains. On that basis, England are screwed.

 

Hate is a beautiful thing

The blog has always rated Anderson. And there is a genuine crush on Swann, Trott and most of all, Morgan. Additionally, the fact that they are single-handedly trying to bring back excitement to at least two forms of the game gives them the sort of CV that Red Cross would be proud of. But it would still be preferable for England to crash out?

Why? Broad and Bell.

Broad is gone, so the hatred has been halved. The two of them represent everything that is wrong with English cricket (in these eyes, at least). Where everything has to be according to the textbook – and they suffer from the greatest of English diseases: over- hyping from their media. And despite being considered the modern day Bradman and Sobers, they still lack the one thing that has caused the change in English fortunes: BALLS. One’s a flat-track bully, the other is the cricket equivalent of Cristiano Ronaldo (without being any good. More of a Simeone Pepe, perhaps then). So the hatred is justified.

One question, though, is that if the English go out, will their commentators leave as well? Listen to Nasser, Bumble and Athers or to Ravi, Rameez and Arnold? A real bummer, that.

 

Aim

Their aim may have been to win the WC, but providing unprecedented entertainment might do for now.

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Meanwhile, Shoaib is gone! The blog was never a fanboy of the man, but he was a remarkable bowler nonetheless. Fitting tributes have been made, and the man has been deified. There is nothing more positive the blog can add, so we shall leave it at that.

In the meantime, if you suffer from a masochistic disorder then you might want to follow the blog on twitter.com/mediagag